No Status Quo Ante* In My Future

An entire summer and more than half of autumn have crept away without nary a word from yours truly. There are good reasons for this, I tell myself. Really? I query. Truly and assuredly, I reply.

Admittedly, it was quite a large log that fell into my pond. One that brought little needful rest and even less consolation that life would ever return status quo ante. I turned the page, and... "Lo and behold!" an unexpected new chapter lay before me. 

I was not a cute little 3 or 4 year old girl playing nurse with her dollies -- this was REAL. Dry weight and vitals were to be recorded each and every morning. Combined with checking for edema and ease in breathing, medication decisions would be made. I soon realized that I had become an unlicensed, live-in practical nurse. 

My 87 year old mother was no longer just a simple matter of blind and crippled; she now had chronic congestive heart failure (CHF). 

The cardiologist directed a low-sodium diet of 2000 mg or less -- daily. This alone was enough to engulf my time each day. But I knew I also needed to balance that intake with potassium -- daily. What was set before me, I felt, would soon become an all-consuming and overwhelming task.

About 60 days into it, I seemed to be adjusting quite well, when, "Lo and behold!" another new chapter lay before me.

My beloved husband saw an infomercial that perfectly answered his fitness needs. Seriously. I saw it and agreed that this was the right thing for him. In less than a week, we were diving into... INSANITY! I do not jest.

Here's the REAL question: Why am I saying, we? Yes, why we, indeed!

No sooner had I begun to get comfortable with a "low-sodium, equal potassium" style of food planning and preparation, then now having to accommodate Insanity's program of Elite Nutrition. This would require 5 equal-caloric meals per day of high protein, moderate carbs and low fat. And I agreed with this!!!??

Did I say something about a large log that fell into my pond!? I may be mistaken, but I think it was more than one! 

Ah...don't take this wrong. I'm not complaining. I pulled it all off and am even writing again.  

No, I am far more concerned as to why I would think that anything I engage in would ever be status quo ante. Why would I even entertain that as a possibility? That has never been the case in my life, and I should rest assured, never will be. It's simply not who I am or what I wish my life to be. 

There are good reasons for this, I tell myself. Really? I query. Truly and assuredly, I reply. Truly and assuredly -- there is no status quo ante in my future.

*Status quo ante - Latin for "the way it was before." 

Want to Write But... (conclusion)

Don't ask. You know... about the bulbs. Mom? She's fine - sort of. Harder to "deal with," I suppose. Doesn't hear so well - if at all for that matter. (But she can somehow hear her books just fine. Go figure!) Refuses to get hearing aids; has it all reasoned out as to why they were never meant for her. Takes a Lipo-something nutritional her sister sent to help improve hearing. It doesn't. But she doesn't realize how placebo it is, because she has very limited short-term memory (among her many other interesting ailments that she's decided no doctor is allowed to address). Did that actually make any sense? If I sound stressed about it, I'm not; but some tell me I might be in denial.

Ahhh... now here's the *real* question: Am I finally writing? Well... sort of. At least you're reading it! And, I thank you:~)

Want to Write But... (continued)

Nearly a week since the bulb count was just over 150 and all of them looking for their blankets. Are you wondering if they're freezing and alone? Alone, yes. Freezing? Almost. Still in paper bags. You see, it snowed. And then... it snowed again. And then? Well, Mom needed to get packed to go to my bachelor brother's home for 10 days to visit (yaay!). That means time off from my mom-care-giving and moving on to bulb-care-giving.

The next day, a phone call from my brother. Then, the day after that: a road trip 45 miles south to his house. Why? Oh... we told ourselves that it was to watch back-to-back football games on his slightly larger TV and have "NY style pizza," but it was actually because Mom forgot to pack what she called,  "something absolutely critical."  It was her deodorant. Seriously. That's okay. Brother said he'd get it at the store. But... there was one other thing... her special Avon dusting powder! Okay. She'll just have to go without, we agreed. But... yes, another "but" (and this is really the biggest one of them all)... she wanted to know if there was any way her latest audio books could be forwarded to her, since they hadn't arrived yet before she left. They had been ordered in time from the Library Services for the Blind, but there was no mail delivery the day before. So, she had packed three older ones having told me those would be fine. But, we were all very aware that listening to her books is the only activity that keeps her happy (when not talking or eating)... and, believe me, I wanted to keep her happy while she's with my brother. So, my husband and I made the trip down there to watch football and eat pizza... oh yeah, and as long as we were going anyway, we brought her books (all 12 of them), and her powder AND even her deodorant. We all agreed not to let her know that I was coming. It worked. She nearly cried.

It was quite dark when we arrived home, so I was thinking, "that's okay, tomorrow's a nice enough day for tending to bulbs." Monday comes, and so does - you guessed it - more snow. Go figure. I can hardly believe that the weathermen (all of them) were wrong. But, no matter. I actually do have a plan, and it doesn't even involve causing a massive heat wave to thaw out the ground. There just happens to be a large quantity of undesignated topsoil still sitting in my driveway from this last July. Uh, did I say "topsoil?" Actually, it's nearly half sand mixed with dairy manure, affectionately referred to as "Colorado topsoil." I wouldn't want someone to get the idea it's that wonderfully rich black soil found back in the Midwest - the kind of soil I thought I was getting when I ordered it. (sigh) But the good news is, after much internet research, I discovered that this mix would actually work as the perfect medium for bulbs to "sleep in" till February gets here. How about that! I only need to shovel it into these large plastic bins we have in the garage, then submerge the bulbs. All 150+ of them. Maybe even before Mom comes home.

My Mother is Like a Pack of Cigarettes (sigh...and I don't even smoke anymore!)

I'm an in-my-own-home caregiver for my nearly 85 year old mother. She is blind (but insists on still wearing glasses... go figure), has very poor hearing (but won't wear hearing aids... naturally), has one replacement knee and the other not working too well (because of a cyst that she won't have removed), one hip's been replaced and the other's always stiffening up (because of how much time she stays in bed), and numerous stomach/digestive pains (but not possibly related to her daily consumption of peanut butter cheese crackers, chocolates and sugar wafers).

I haven't even mentioned the 5 medications she takes (some over 15 years) for high blood pressure, arrhythmia, aortic stenosis, shortness of breath, water retention and low thyroid. She also manages to do just enough of her own personal care so as to not qualify for Medicaid, but not quite enough for me to work a career outside the home. Caught in the cracks... sort of.

Like a pack of cigarettes (to a smoker): needful, but when you wish they weren't, that's when they seem to be the most.

Oh yeah, and she's always telling me how she wasn't supposed to live past the age of 75, saying, "if there's no quality of life, there's no purpose anymore."

Like a pack of cigarettes (to a former-smoker): when you see them lying around, you wonder why they're still there. Not that I look at her that way - oh, no - that's how she sees herself, for God's sake!