Ramblings of a Future Memoirist

ram·bling [ram-bling]

Adjective
1. aimlessly wandering
2. taking an irregular course, straggling
3. spread out irregularly in various directions
4. straying from one subject to another, desultory
 

des·ul·to·ry [des-uhl-tawr-ee, -tohr-ee]

Adjective
1. lacking in consistency, constancy, or visible order, disconnected; fitful
2. digressing from or unconnected with the main subject, random


Thinking through the above definitions, I would have to say my title is very apropos, but not to the extent of being desultory. If I were to pond-er anything that's desultory, I would write of my mother. And if I were to now write about her...well, THAT would indeed be desultory on my part.

I have not seen it feasible to write an autobiography that would be of any interest to anyone, since I am an unknown; meaning, I am not a familiar public figure that would warrant interest. But more and more over the past year or two, the genre of memoir has teased my muse. Perhaps it is time I take it to heart.

I would first write of my intriguing 3-month hitchhiking trip from Minnesota through the Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec provinces of Canada to Bangor Maine and then westward home through the States.

Next would be going back in time a few more years to my spur of the moment decision to travel with a new friend to Chicago, ending up stranded in Madison Wisconsin, living in a near-penthouse apartment, and becoming part of a major drug ring including behind the scenes of the largest rock festival following Woodstock.

Naturally, I could not resist telling of my notable childhood memories and sibling stories, of my beloved daughter and 2 divorces (before I finally got it right), and how this laid the groundwork for who I've become.

But one more story must be told...the one I call Another Perspective. It's the one where I delve into my changing relationship, knowledge and understanding of God throughout these various events. Yes, another perspective indeed!

Many many people have told me again and again that I simply must get my stories in writing -- that they're all very interesting to listen to and there's so much to be learned. I don't know about all that.

What I do know is this: I've pushed to have an adventurous life without regrets, and I love to write. I've also met a lot of people who always seem surprised at all I've done and everywhere I've been. And somehow, that just seems like the right combination to write...
   a memoir...
               or two...or three...or even four!   
(You know, just to have...Another Perspective.)  :~)

Control the Dog -- or Me?

Can you believe it!? Awake at 2 a.m. and I'm thinking about yesterday's trip to the dog park with our two dogs. At two in the morning!!???

The youngest canine is Brandy Bojangles, a year and a half old Cocker Spaniel -- recently spayed -- which is why she could finally go to the park. Brandy usually barks fearfully and incessantly at the mere sight of another dog or human. Yet, once in the park, she took it all in without a sound.  

But this writing is not about Brandy.

The second dog is my husband's three year old, female, Dalmatian/Aussie mix named Zephyr. That afternoon Zephyr did something I had never seen her do before. She jumped up on someone, resting her paws on their chest, then quickly got down as I verbally directed her. But she did it again...and again...and again!...and...to more than one person.

Zephyr had caught me so off guard that I never even had the thought to physically restrain her from doing it again. Why hadn't I simply taken her by the collar, apologized, and walked away?

Everyone involved appeared both surprised and almost entertained by her behavior. It was obvious, that for some very uncomfortable moments in time, I did not have control of my dog. 

But this is actually not about Zephyr either.

Laying there awake in the wee hours of the morning, I became immensely disconcerted about Zephyr. That's when I realized the urgency of how much I truly need to regain control of a lot more than a dog. 

This is really about me, I thought.

Just like that warm engulfing sensation you feel when you step into a hot tub and slowly immerse yourself, I felt strangely comforted and even inspired by yesterday's episode. My mental muscles rejuvenated as I lay there pondering the benefits of a more controlled, more disciplined life.  

It was time to get up and lay out a plan.

To have reasonable control of things around me (including a dog), I must first take control of myself. And, control over the physical body begins with mental discipline, because the body won't quit until the mind gives in.

What a person thinks about -- considers, ponders and focuses on -- is what they become. That is a law. So I will tend to my moment by moment ponderings by giving greater heed to the kind of nutrition I'm feeding my mind with. That's fair and simple.

Diligently disciplining the mind will enable my physical body to attain the desired results I seek, for I cannot function well without significant physical endurance and vitality. This will also mean a balanced diet and exercise. 

I may have the good food and great cooking part of it under control, but there remains a very pressing need for me to concentrate on the exercise side of that equation. I am encouraged by knowing I am fully equipped for success.

Next, I can begin to branch out into my environment, to have better control of my surroundings. This will include my/our dogs, my home and yard, the care of my mother, and...even taxes. 

All these things have one essential aspect when it comes to control  -- the element of time. 

Time~~ (as defined by Juilius O'Hara -- Peter Lorre in Beat the Devil, 1953)

Time. Time. What is time?
Swiss manufacture it.
French hoard it.
Italians squander it.
Americans say it is money.
Hindus say it does not exist.
You know what I say?
I say, time is a crook!

Well, you know what I say? I say, I will need to be more assertive in how I utilize my time, because time is an irreplaceable commodity that requires stewardship.

There it is...all laid out. I cannot -- I will not -- fail. I can only succeed. I will regain the control I desire and need in my life. 

And...

       I will have the presence of mind to simply take Zephyr by the collar, apologize, and walk away.

There Is Always A Choice

Just finished reading my conclusion of last year's journal writings: nearly every entry speaks of balance, focus, purpose and freedom. It's interesting to realize that God's Word answers each of those things, when it is truly the only rule of faith and practice. With that Word, life becomes simple, balanced, focused, purposeful and I become free.

Courtesy of HubPages.com

Change. Now there's another wonderful theme. I believe that one is befitting 2012. It only takes a teeny tiny tweak to alter the course of any subject, and I have a few subjects that really need to find new paths to travel on.

There are decisions I can make -- that I have control over -- which can make a difference in not only a day, but my week, and thus my year. 

It can be something as simple as grocery shopping Friday (or even Monday) mornings, rather than Sunday (or even Saturday) afternoons. Or, taking a shower at 6 AM rather than in the afternoon. Or, riding my bike in the mornings while our 3 dogs nap. Each choice I make to vary my norm in the here and now, will alter my future.

If a particular picture (physical or mental) upsets -- causes mumblings or possibly even depression -- then get a new or different picture! Why hold on to something that makes us feel miserable? 

Contrary to what our minds may occasionally try to tell us, ...there is always a choice.

I'm Going to Do It

Starting today. This is it. I've simply let it go way too long. That's the sum and gist of it all. 

I mean, why not? There's absolutely nothing stopping me. As a matter of fact, everything in the universe -- and I mean "everything" -- is compelling me to move on it. Ignoring it is affecting way too many other things...and especially, people. Isn't that the true deciding factor? Affecting people? 

Well, perhaps...but the real crux of the issue is that the "people" it's affecting is moi...

Me :~)

So, this is it. Finally. I am going to take care of...me. :~))

What does this all mean? What is "it?"

Clutter!!!!!!!!!!! Not-so-good, old fashioned, clutter!

Oh...so you have a similar issue!?? And here I thought I was the only one who let things go this far. Hhhhmmmmmm...

I'm pulling out a dark green 33 gallon bag from the garage and heading over to those junk and "keepsake" drawers and closets. Then some quick and final decisions: throw? sell? or store? No inbetween-ers. No exceptions. 

To be vigilant in life, one must be clear headed. To be truly clear, one must travel light -- both mentally and physically. For many many months now, most of my efforts have been on the mental. It is time to set in order my physicals.

What are you doing to make way for what you love in life?

What's Next?

So now that I've completed the April 2011 A to Z Blogging Challenge, what's next?

My plate is very full, having pushed aside many things, while endeavoring to produce a noteworthy post nearly every day. Now I will need to peel back the layers to uncover each neglected task and aggressively take them on -- one by one -- hopefully emptying that plate.

It is spring, and our yard has been crying out for attention like a mournful puppy. We've raked and mowed, overseeded and watered, but now it's the weeding and planting (ever wonder what happened to all those bulbs??!)...plus a little bit of pruning. Then there's all the fall debris that still needs to go to yard-recycling.

Our closets, the basement and the garage are all bursting with things for Goodwill, the Veterans, and a possible garage sale. But before any of those tedious projects can begin, there is the simple matter of catching up on my dishes, laundry and other basics in life to clear the clutter. Sound familiar?

And, I have yet to mention any time for reading, bike riding, amigurumi, journal writing, artwork, letters, ukulele, hiking, indoor gardening and piano. At times I wonder how others stay on top of all their interests. I truly need to lock myself down to more of a schedule, just to stay ahead of any possible regrets in the years ahead. Especially since I'll be turning the big 6-0 this summer.

We have a tremendous plan for our 25th (Silver) Anniversary, less than a month away. June 1st is the actual day, but on the eve we will have our favorite chef come into our home to prepare us a fantastic dinner with wine by candlelight. Plus, our live-in mothers will both be out of town that entire week, so we'll be free to make a few day-trips without any other responsibilities (except Ginger, our Cocker Spaniel). What a delightful time this will be for just the two of us!

Guess that about wraps it up for now on What's Next?

-- without pond-ering too deeply, that is :~)

"W" is for Whose Fault is it, Anyway?

Often I am amazed at the growing number of people who actually believe that circumstances, or even other people, govern who they've become and who they will be in the future. Whose fault is it, anyway?

• If my neighbor hadn't ignored me like that back then, I'd probably be a little bit more friendly now.
• If it wasn't so cold and windy every single day, the yard work would probably be done by now.
• If you hadn't talked to me in that tone, I'd probably be more willing to listen to you right now.
• If people were paying more attention to their driving, I probably wouldn't have had to cut you off.

Let's see how it works when I get rid of the "if." How about some really real stuff, like family...

• My dad always yelled about everything; that's why it's really hard for me not to do the same thing.

 Here's the flip side, which isn't any better, because it's still for the wrong reason:

• My dad always yelled about everything; that's why I refuse to react in the same way now.

Or, maybe it's siblings...

• My brothers always treated me with such indifference; that's why I'm always struggling with low self-esteem.

Same thing, but a different angle:

• My brothers always treated me with such indifference; that's why I refuse to let our boys do that to her now.

Whose fault is it, anyway!!?

Please don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that none of these things ever cross my own mind. But what about those individuals who truly believe these are all genuinely good reasons for behaving the way they do in certain situations. My oh my...whose fault is it, anyway?

• I wouldn't have to switch companies all the time, [if] someone just believed in good customer service.
• I would probably get up earlier on the weekends, [if] I just had something more to get up to.
• I would probably be more willing to get involved, [if] it didn't always feel like they're just using me.
• I know I wouldn't be so sensitive about this, [if] people just treated me with a little more respect and consideration.

Just more of the right ingredients of life and I'd be okay. If I just had a better teacher, a better job, better friends, more money, my spouse acted differently, my kids weren't so crazy, my in-laws didn't live so close...I'd have a better life, and I'd be different. Enter in the infamous "grass is always greener" myth.

Over the years, I have diligently worked to root up each and every one of these horrid little parasites of so-called reason, out of my vocabulary and out of my thinking. They're like weeds. Somehow a new one pops up just when I thought I had them all licked! Or worse yet, 2 or 3 come back for every one I've  discarded. How unending! How frustrating! How tiring this can be!

“You are where you are and what you are because of yourself, because of your own choices and decisions.” ~Brian Tracy, Author and Motivational Speaker

"We are what we are because of our believing, not other people's believing...We will sink to the depths or rise to the heights of our believing." ~Life Lines, Quotations of Victor Paul Wierwille

This gives me a strong sense of control in my life, regardless of what anyone else thinks or does. I am the architect of my own life.

In the midst of it all, I have found comfort and strength in a simple truth about circumstances.

“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” ~Brian Tracy

In short, I have determined within myself to stop re-acting to situations. Instead, I mentally take a step back, look at what just hit the fan, then carefully move forward in a manner that redirects or even resolves what just occurred.

"Oh! You're talking about being pro-active."

Call it what you may, it's still doing whatever works to keep my steps steady and out of the muddy clay of defeat. I am mastering change.

I am what I am...and changing! So...whose fault is it, anyway!!? All mine :~)

~~~~~~~~

"R" is for...Regret Not

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”   ~Alexander Graham Bell

Someday, I should actually put a list together of all my little personal Thou Shalts. Thou shalt remember that rules are meant to be broken. Thou shalt overcome fear whenever it shows its ugly face. But, at the very top of that list would be: Thou Shalt Regret Not. 

In fact, if this list is really all that important to me, I honestly know that my someday will definitely happen...otherwise I would be wide open for the possibility of a regret. And, that's simply not going to happen. 

Someday, I'm going to get rid of all the clutter I've accumulated around the house...including the basement and garage. I'll have one gargantuan garage sale, perhaps at one of those community locations that draws in thousands of people each year during the month of May. 

And you know what? If I'm really serious about this, I know that my someday will definitely happen, otherwise I would be wide open for the looming likelihood of regret. And, well, that's just not going to happen.

Someday, I'll buckle down on my diet and exercise, and actually shed the excess off these tired bones. My new found vitality will carry me off into my greatly anticipated adventures and discerning discoveries, to satisfy and fulfill the muse within, and to share with my best friend. 

And -- I already know there's no *if* on this one -- I absolutely know that my someday will arrive, otherwise I would end up wide open for that sorrowful probability of regret. And, that shall absolutely not happen.

Actually, there is a fairly simple formula for decreasing the probability of acquiring regret(s) in life. Either, I decide from the onset, to not put so much importance on the task or desire -- at least not so much that there would be regret if it didn't happen in my life time -- or, I organize and plan all the Somedays into my daily life. 

Anything worth doing -- anything I want to have happen in or to my life -- is worth doing now. At times it's just a matter of loving myself enough to make room for it. Or, seeing my life big enough -- important enough -- to put the work into it to make my life the best it can be.  

The enemy is procrastination, but it cannot co-exist in this regret-less realm.

But how can I be so convinced that regret will not happen? Because, if today I make the best decision I can about a matter, and I find out later down the road, that perhaps it wasn't the *best* decision after all, does that make it not the best decision? No. It doesn't change a thing. Remember -- it's only by hindsight that we see everything 20/20.

Whatever decision I make, I let it rest. Any information that later comes to my attention about my decision, is only for learning in moving forward. That is all. What is already done, is done. That is my vow to myself, made many many moons ago, that enables me to enjoy my life,
                                and.............Regret Not :~)