Ramblings of a Future Memoirist

ram·bling [ram-bling]

Adjective
1. aimlessly wandering
2. taking an irregular course, straggling
3. spread out irregularly in various directions
4. straying from one subject to another, desultory
 

des·ul·to·ry [des-uhl-tawr-ee, -tohr-ee]

Adjective
1. lacking in consistency, constancy, or visible order, disconnected; fitful
2. digressing from or unconnected with the main subject, random


Thinking through the above definitions, I would have to say my title is very apropos, but not to the extent of being desultory. If I were to pond-er anything that's desultory, I would write of my mother. And if I were to now write about her...well, THAT would indeed be desultory on my part.

I have not seen it feasible to write an autobiography that would be of any interest to anyone, since I am an unknown; meaning, I am not a familiar public figure that would warrant interest. But more and more over the past year or two, the genre of memoir has teased my muse. Perhaps it is time I take it to heart.

I would first write of my intriguing 3-month hitchhiking trip from Minnesota through the Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec provinces of Canada to Bangor Maine and then westward home through the States.

Next would be going back in time a few more years to my spur of the moment decision to travel with a new friend to Chicago, ending up stranded in Madison Wisconsin, living in a near-penthouse apartment, and becoming part of a major drug ring including behind the scenes of the largest rock festival following Woodstock.

Naturally, I could not resist telling of my notable childhood memories and sibling stories, of my beloved daughter and 2 divorces (before I finally got it right), and how this laid the groundwork for who I've become.

But one more story must be told...the one I call Another Perspective. It's the one where I delve into my changing relationship, knowledge and understanding of God throughout these various events. Yes, another perspective indeed!

Many many people have told me again and again that I simply must get my stories in writing -- that they're all very interesting to listen to and there's so much to be learned. I don't know about all that.

What I do know is this: I've pushed to have an adventurous life without regrets, and I love to write. I've also met a lot of people who always seem surprised at all I've done and everywhere I've been. And somehow, that just seems like the right combination to write...
   a memoir...
               or two...or three...or even four!   
(You know, just to have...Another Perspective.)  :~)

Less I Too Become A Ruminant

With all the diverse political opinions thrown back and forth today for grazing, and all the multivarious social media chewing the cud, I concluded it wise to again review my purpose and goals for writing, less I too become a ruminant. 

As I thought more deeply about the direction I want to take, I recalled a post I had written nearly 2 years ago. I believe it good to bring it forward and recommit.


Of All The Things  (January 18, 2011)
 

The other day I received an email with the following quote:

Of all the things I've learned in life, I know that change is the strongest truth.

                                                    ~Janice Van Dyck

Briefly I considered the words, then immediately I wanted to change them. I thought: Change is perhaps the one constant in life, but it is not the strongest truth.

Carefully, I reread it and began to acknowledge that she was not talking about me. She was speaking of all the things she herself has learned in life.

But my thoughts grew louder within me: There is a simple principle - a law - the strongest most powerful law in the entire universe. It's the Law of Believing...all believing equals receiving and all receiving equals believing. It is a greater law than all the other laws of physics, because it transcends everyone of them.

I even began to wonder if others would read what she wrote and even...(gasp)... agree with her! At that point I finally realized I was being tempted, to not only pit the knowledge and understanding I've acquired in life against hers, but to do it in writing. And I didn't even know who she was!

Pausing, I asked myself: Do I really want to get into that kind of writing? Do I really want to start picking apart what others say - whether I think it's relevant or true or vital or not?

Without hesitation, I replied: No, I don't. Absolutely not! There's a place for commentary and opinion writing, but that's not where I want to go - not at all.

Logically, the next question is: Then where do you want to go, Kathy? The answer is simple. I have one purpose - one mission:  

I write with the belief to both inspire and challenge the human experience, welcoming criticism, for there is no person on earth who fails to intrigue me, and thereby touches my soul in some significant way.

It is not my intention to cast opinions that tend to judge the relevance or validity of what someone else may have thought or concluded. My desire and goal in writing would be defeated if I wrote in a framework that might tear down the very place another has reached by scaling their own mountain(s). Honestly, how welcoming would that be?

Totally unaware, Janice Van Dyck has touched my soul in a significant way. She has pushed me to reconsider my purpose and to decide whether or not my mission is still real to me - still where I choose to be. And - of all the things I've learned in life - she has inspired me to write of judgments and comparisons that we, at times unknowingly, superimpose on one another.

Although we've never met, please allow me to say, "Thank you, Janice."

 ~~~~~~~~

Okay, you caught me. Yes, I actually brought out an older post to be re-chewed...much like the cud. So, I admit it...perhaps I am part ruminant after all.     ;~)

  

Seriously...No Comment

I know it's hard to believe, but in pondering my extensive lack of words to write, I have made an interesting observation:

It seems that whenever I have to actually take the time out to seriously focus on my life, then take the time to do what is needed to adjust or fix all my ongoing affairs, I simply have no opinion -- one way or another -- on what anyone else is doing with theirs...or...even my own, for that matter.

I have yet to decide whether this is a good thing...
                                                                             or not ;~)

Profound??

Pondering deeply? Not quite. But of course that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to be. I simply need to get my focus back -- focus for writing.

I was such a prolific writer in my 30's...makes me wonder what it would've been like for me if blogging was available then. But, that was then and this is now. Profound? Hardly.

For the past 4 weeks, I've been using our little 2 year old Gateway netbook to access the internet -- not sure yet whether I like the keyboard or not. It also explains why I haven't been too social lately. Guess I'm like a lot of other people, wanting things simple and convenient, or not much happens. Of course, I'm assuming I know how a lot of other people are. I could be dead wrong. Yes, me. Profound? There are those who think I may have just qualified myself. (haha)

My mother left to stay with my brother 6 days ago...she'll be back in 4. Her third day away found us at the ER with my mother-in-law (who also lives with my husband and myself). She had fainted. They never figured out exactly why, but we learned she had a good case of the flu. She's 72.

Other than that, nothing very interesting has been happening in my life lately. Our car is running fine. Our 3 dogs are fine...considering what it is to have 3. The house is hunky-dory. My decluttering plan is going...well...progressing as I had about expected.   Everything is actually quite fine.

I have to admit, life is pretty much the same it's been for awhile -- that is, considering all things to be considered.

(Sounds like one of those wonderfully profound remarks from the movie The Matrix -- doesn't it? Well...doesn't it????)

Okay,...so I definitely need help. I admit it. Now that is  deeply profound ;~)

Almost Up and Running...

First, I'll write of significant events in my personal life that have come about over the past couple of months...along with a few pictures, of course. Then I'll be digging into two or three deeper subjects that seem to have risen from some hidden place within. I trust it'll prove an interesting voyage for all...including me :~)

What A Day It Is...

What a day it is, turning it around in my mind. Picking up remnants in the yard from last night's storm. My sick little doggie, Ginger, taking an extra long walk this morning, then eating a scrambled egg after having refused breakfast for over a week. Facebook? Someone asking, If our nation falls, will it be because of debt or condoning homosexuality? (sigh) And, I've been thinking about posting the pics I took late yesterday afternoon of the tiny green hummingbird that visited my petunias. Made my care and storm-protection of those huge baskets well worth it :~)

Ah, yes! And I am actually contemplating the possibility of writing again...will see what develops.

I believe it really all began with my 25th wedding anniversary...

I'll Be Back...

...time sensitive issues in life have crowded my path for writing, but...

I WILL be back :~)

What's Next?

So now that I've completed the April 2011 A to Z Blogging Challenge, what's next?

My plate is very full, having pushed aside many things, while endeavoring to produce a noteworthy post nearly every day. Now I will need to peel back the layers to uncover each neglected task and aggressively take them on -- one by one -- hopefully emptying that plate.

It is spring, and our yard has been crying out for attention like a mournful puppy. We've raked and mowed, overseeded and watered, but now it's the weeding and planting (ever wonder what happened to all those bulbs??!)...plus a little bit of pruning. Then there's all the fall debris that still needs to go to yard-recycling.

Our closets, the basement and the garage are all bursting with things for Goodwill, the Veterans, and a possible garage sale. But before any of those tedious projects can begin, there is the simple matter of catching up on my dishes, laundry and other basics in life to clear the clutter. Sound familiar?

And, I have yet to mention any time for reading, bike riding, amigurumi, journal writing, artwork, letters, ukulele, hiking, indoor gardening and piano. At times I wonder how others stay on top of all their interests. I truly need to lock myself down to more of a schedule, just to stay ahead of any possible regrets in the years ahead. Especially since I'll be turning the big 6-0 this summer.

We have a tremendous plan for our 25th (Silver) Anniversary, less than a month away. June 1st is the actual day, but on the eve we will have our favorite chef come into our home to prepare us a fantastic dinner with wine by candlelight. Plus, our live-in mothers will both be out of town that entire week, so we'll be free to make a few day-trips without any other responsibilities (except Ginger, our Cocker Spaniel). What a delightful time this will be for just the two of us!

Guess that about wraps it up for now on What's Next?

-- without pond-ering too deeply, that is :~)

"L" is for Learning, But Not to Have Learned

A great number of years ago, I was talking with a friend who wondered what I had been up to lately. In my reply I used the phrase, "I've learned that..." My friend listened intently, but every time I said learned, he interjected the word, learning. 

This continued as we hung out together over the next few days. Finally, I began to catch myself, saying, "I've been learning that..." or "I am learning..."

Why would this be such a big deal? My friend explained to me that to learn is a continuing process because life is always changing, and that to say learned -- ed -- is past tense, as if it's a done deal, and there's nothing more to learn on the subject. Then he asked, "Is that what you want?"

 

I have kept this lesson close to my heart throughout my life, always eager to learn, looking at learning as one of the greatest adventures in life. I have seen many things, but feel I am learning even more. 

Not only are there the many faceted perspectives I've acquired from which I can view life, but I have so much more to draw on in the multi-faceted views of all the people whose lives have intrigued me. I am thankful to all those who have, in some way, touched my soul. I also must agree that, yes, learning is a continuum.

Yet herein lies a funny thing. The older I get, I marvel at how easy it has become to remark, "If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's..." Please. Tell me this isn't happening!

Once again I find myself having to stop and reword my phrasing to say instead, "If there's one thing I am learning in life..." Let me never allow myself to put a cap on my learning...until the day of my last breath, and I'm 6-foot under, pushing up those proverbial daisies :~)

"C" is for a Cup of Morning Passion

Normally I'm not a very nostalgic person, but I must admit at times I fondly reminisce of the numerous 24-Hr restaurants I frequented throughout the 70's, 80's and even the 90's. They were the gathering places of that day and time, for everything from Bible studying and letter writing, to after-game or after-movie hangouts.

My friends all knew where they could find me mulling over a journal or trying to pen a compelling personal essay or poem. Often writing late into the night, I would easily consume nearly 2 pots of what was usually a special blend of Farmer Brothers Coffee -- black with sugar. I wasn't critical of the coffee...much anyway...as long as the restaurant was clean and the service great.

When my husband and I first dated, many wonderfully romantic and often deeply inspiring late night conversations took place in one of those very relaxing enclaves called a booth. We would sit across from one another, holding hands and milking the moment as we got lost in each other's heart-melting gaze. Me with my coffee...he with his Pepsi.

For one of our wedding anniversaries we decided to stay in a historical, downtown Seattle hotel, only 3 blocks away from the Pike Place Market and home to the first Starbucks. You see, I always thought lattes and cappuccinos were going to go away. HA! No matter, neither of us gave in to the craze (then anyway). Instead, we simply enjoyed the surprisingly yummy complimentary coffee in our room.

It was the most delectable full-bodied coffee I had ever tasted! Yet, low in acid -- because it's slow-roasted -- which made it stomach-friendly! This meant a lot to me, since I had found it more and more difficult to sit in one of those old-time coffee shops imbibing cup after cup of Farmers Brothers, or Kona, or any other masterful blend.

So, who is this amazing gourmet coffee company, based in Seattle, who wasn't afraid to stand up to Starbucks, you ask? (I knew you'd want to know.) Well, it's Caffe Appassionato!

"It was no accident that we named our company after Beethoven’s sonata, 'Appassionata,' a piece of music written against all odds by an eighteenth century composer who could not hear a note he wrote...

"Like Beethoven, we felt passionate about our work. And like the 'Appassionata,' the coffee we sought had to surround the senses while captivating the spirit."

Now I no longer need to venture out to locate that perfect spot to write, enduring whatever "black gold" might be on the menu that day. I am quite content remaining in our humble home, sipping on a perfectly roasted and freshly brewed cup of Morning Passion...a perfect cup of coffee for a perfect ending :~)

A Guy Named Nes

Once again I was given a writing prompt on Facebook from my dear friend and published poet, Lisa Cihlar. She asked her friends to "write a poem about Wednesday" (today). Of course, I couldn't resist, so I decided on limerick style:

A Guy Named Nes - 

There once was a guy named Nes,

Who thought it his only biz,

To wed him a lay

Whose name was Day

And that's how we got Wed-Nes-Day.

As my manner is, I had to look up limericks to see if I did it right. Well, those of you who know this sort of thing probably already saw that my last line doesn't rhyme with the first two. Okay. So it's tweaked. But what I think rather interesting is that I haven't written a limerick for nearly 50 years, yet I somehow remembered the cadence.

The mind is a very intriguing part of our soul. Trivia - like a limerick's cadence - can surprisingly appear, when much more important matters seem to elude us. At times we're able to push for answers to what seems to be the most difficult of problems, while the simplest of issues remains without understanding. 

With our powerful thinker we can choose to stir up trouble or resolve differences, feel defeat or scale mountains, zone out or imagineer, remember our hurts or forgive and forget. And it is with the innermost part of that same mind - the heart - that we decide to care and to give and to love. Yes. What a very intriguing part of our soul the mind is! 

A Guy Named Nes

There once was a gal named Day,

Who wanted a really good lay,

To wed was the best

A guy named Nes --

And that's how we got Wed-Nes-Day!

(There...it's done...but I still think the first one's better :~) LOL)

(Wedding pictures courtesy of www.weddingcollectibles.com)

When Times Are Tough

A fellow writer recently remarked, "I think people sometimes forget to dig deep and find strength." 

The truth of this statement intrigued me - especially the "forget to dig" part. I asked my oh-so-wise-sage husband what he thought, and was pleasantly surprised by his rather immediate response. He reminded me that we had once been taught (by an equally oh-so-wise sage), that one of the reasons for keeping a personal journal is to have the resource to go back to when times are tough.

Weighing his reply, I again realized that when an individual is reading pages that were written in triumph, one can be reminded of their own strength and even fired up enough to take on the greatest of mountains. Is this not what often inspires us from the stories we read of other people and their lives? How much more convincing it would be if the main character of that story was indeed, yours truly! 

In my last post, I wrote:  When people have become complacent or frustrated from living without answers, often they will buckle, bend or break to the strain. 

Complacency is defined as: contented to a fault; self-satisfied and unconcerned. And, the Princeton wordnetweb definition of frustration is: the feeling that accompanies an experience of being thwarted in attaining your goals. I can definitely see how frustration could cause complacency. Wow! But I also realize there may be other reasons for becoming complacent. 

My strength can seem so small when I have no answers, and the temptation is so great to simply not care - to become contented to a fault and unconcerned - almost calloused, or even bitter. I wonder how many areas in my life are on this course - or are starting to consider this path. Hopefully - none. But it never hurts to do the ol' check up from the neck up! 

Earlier, I also wrote: Some are simply stronger than others - that doesn't make them better, smarter or right - just stronger (and only in some areas). 

Perhaps some people appear stronger simply because they remembered to dig deep to find strength.

Over this past week, I have had four of my six koi suddenly die. At first it appeared to be an outside predator. But, as we diligently disassembled the pond, cleaned it, bought a new pump and filter, and finished all the spring cleanup of it, I have concluded it was natural causes. 

I wanted to blame myself - not staying on top of it through the winter. The temptation was to simply get completely out of the "fish pond business" - today - less my possible neglect might bring about further demise, and to avoid any more attachments. These thoughts arose primarily because I had no answer as to what caused them to die. If I had answers, I'd probably just fix whatever it is and continue to enjoy my koi. 

In the face of adversity, no matter how overwhelming or trite, resolution comes not in re-acting, but in acting. To move forward, we don't always need an explanation. I moved forward with cleaning up the pond and taking care of my remaining two fish, Shadow and Bogie. In moving forward, I was able to overcome the frustration and avoided complacency. This time I remembered to dig deep to find the strength.

But for those times when I sometimes forget just how strong I am, I have my journals. The various subjects throughout my life are diverse - heartbreaks, divorce, education, drugs, family, religion, God, personal loss, health issues, conflicts, purchasing a home, financial struggles, parental care giving, success, love and even great peace. They include the records of my hitchhiking trek across half of Canada and scaling the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. And, all are written - thankfully - in triumph. 

When times are tough, and I forget to dig deep to find strength, I can pull out a journal and read one of those inspiring stories that fire me up enough to take on even the greatest of mountains - a very convincing story in which the main character is yours truly.

Of All the Things

The other day I received an email with the following quote:

                    Of all the things I've learned in life, I know that change is 

                    the strongest truth.

                                                    ~Janice Van Dyck 

Briefly I considered the words, then immediately I wanted to change them. I thought: Change is perhaps the one constant in life, but it is not the strongest truth.

Carefully, I reread it and began to acknowledge that she was not talking about me. She was speaking of all the things she herself has learned in life.

But my thoughts grew louder within me: There is a simple principle - a law - the strongest most powerful law in the entire universe. It's the Law of Believing...all believing equals receiving and all receiving equals believing. It is a greater law than all the other laws of physics, because it transcends everyone of them.

I even began to wonder if others would read what she wrote and even...(gasp)... agree with her! At that point I finally realized I was being tempted, to not only pit the knowledge and understanding I've acquired in life against hers, but to do it in writing. And I didn't even know who she was!

Pausing, I asked myself: Do I really want to get into that kind of writing? Do I really want to start picking apart what others say - whether I think it's relevant or true or vital or not?

Without hesitation, I replied: No, I don't. Absolutely not! There's a place for commentary and opinion writing, but that's not where I want to go - not at all.

Logically, the next question is: Then where do you want to go, Kathy? The answer is simple. I have one purpose - one mission:  

I write with the belief to both inspire and challenge the human experience, welcoming criticism, for there is no person on earth who fails to intrigue me, and thereby touches my soul in some significant way.

It is not my intention to cast opinions that tend to judge the relevance or validity of what someone else may have thought or concluded. My desire and goal in writing would be defeated if I wrote in a framework that might tear down the very place another has reached by scaling their own mountain(s). Honestly, how welcoming would that be?

Totally unaware, Janice Van Dyck has touched my soul in a significant way. She has pushed me to reconsider my purpose and to decide whether or not my mission is still real to me - still where I choose to be. And - of all the things I've learned in life - she has inspired me to write of judgments and comparisons that we, at times unknowingly, superimpose on one another.

Although we've never met, please allow me to say, "Thank you, Janice."

One Tiny Tweak

It only takes one tiny tweak to change the course of any life. If I am traveling a straight line and I veer off of it by even a fraction of a degree, at some point that new line I'm on will be miles away from the original. When constructing a building, veering would not be wise. That is one reason masons use string when laying brick. But when a person feels worn out, frustrated and is frequently complaining about life, it's definitely time for a tweak. And isn't it a great relief to realize it'll only take one. teeny. tiny. tweak. to change the direction of your life? to become who you dream of being?

The easiest change to make in all of our daily habits and routines, is to vary the order of just one thing, and the new line is drawn. Such a small adjustment to make. But we are creatures of habit, and to move a regular afternoon routine to the morning, for example, can be quite an undertaking. It's easier if looked at as a one-time adventure, keeping in mind that it's just the one. tiny. tweak. that will absolutely be worth more than any of the discomfort that is felt, when all is said and done.

I made just such a tweak one day last March. I did my grocery shopping on a completely different day than my usual Saturday, and in the morning instead of the afternoon. Many different and interesting little things happened that day, bringing about another tweak in April. I simply joined Facebook. But that's where I met a really cool friend who does a food blog and I became her copy editor. By August I believed I could do my own blog. So, now I'm finally back to writing... after nearly a 30 year break... joined a couple writers' groups, and have decided to write my first book. I am doing what I always dreamed of, and all I did was go to the grocery store at a different time than I usually went. Imagine that.

Perhaps, if you tell me about the one tiny tweak you're deciding to do - however small it may be - it will inspire others to do their own, and help me to tweak some more, too :~)

It's a Beginning

I figure I have to start somewhere - with my nonfiction novel that is. But that means dialogue, which I've never even tried before. So here it is... my baby steps... at least it's a beginning.

My ex decided not to bring Christa back that day.  She had just turned four in April, and ironically, it was Mother's Day.  I had a mind to just show up at his parents' farm.  I knew that's where he had taken her.  One slight problem in getting there - my car had just been totaled.  It was a hit and run while parked out in front of the duplex I called home.  My roommate, who had been working late, quietly and calmly woke me up in the middle of the night with her most serious tone of voice.

"Kathy... Kathy... Did you park your car up on the grass last night?!"

I had heard her talk that way only a couple of other times over the past ten months since we met.  She was a young single mom like myself, with a daughter not yet two.  We had decided to rent a place together only half a block from where we both worked. 

"Did I what?? What are you talking about? That's crazy."  I turned over to go back to sleep.

"Yeh, uh, I thought so too," she went on, "but then I got to thinking, I'd better wake her up and tell her, 'cause if she didn't park it there, then someone else did... and maybe she doesn't know it. So that's why I'm tellin' you now."

"Colleen..." I took a deep breath. "That's not something to be waking me up out of a sound sleep and joking about."

"Oh, it's no joke.  I would never joke about something like this."

I sat up, scrutinizing her face for some clue that would give away her uncanny attempt at getting a laugh.

"You might want to come and take a look," she added, still in that calm, serious tone.

I did.  We did.  Then I phoned the police.  My old red Pinto had been pushed a good 50 feet from where I had parked it on the street that evening, and there was white paint left behind on my scrunched rear fender from the other car.

Just a Little Bit More, Huh!

Okay, I've made claims that I am (or was) a poet, so I figure I had better come clean or produce some evidence. This one has been my most controversial, with the need for a little deeper thinking than one may realize at first glance.  It's easy to assume I'm speaking of a baby dying, but am I?

Perpetuation

The first breath of spring
And baby's first cry,
God's blessed that couple
I wonder why?

Love holds many wonders
When the young are in mind,
Engagement then marriage
And fam'lies left behind.

The cold wind of winter
And baby's last cry,
Is God an Indian giver?
One would wonder why?


I actually do have a lighter side; for example:

The Gallant Knight

He looked so fair
Upon his young mare
So gallantly charging.
The crowds all cheering
His enemy sneering
As he came bravely on.

His horse - it reared
As the black knight neared
And he raised his gleaming lance.
One or two blows?
Nobody knows
Save a maiden who misses her Jon.

All for now... I will need to work on this just a little bit more, huh!

Late Night Contemplation

The first words written of the first day of my first blog... so much to think about and then searching for the best words to convey what has been building for so many, many years.