Ramblings of a Future Memoirist

ram·bling [ram-bling]

Adjective
1. aimlessly wandering
2. taking an irregular course, straggling
3. spread out irregularly in various directions
4. straying from one subject to another, desultory
 

des·ul·to·ry [des-uhl-tawr-ee, -tohr-ee]

Adjective
1. lacking in consistency, constancy, or visible order, disconnected; fitful
2. digressing from or unconnected with the main subject, random


Thinking through the above definitions, I would have to say my title is very apropos, but not to the extent of being desultory. If I were to pond-er anything that's desultory, I would write of my mother. And if I were to now write about her...well, THAT would indeed be desultory on my part.

I have not seen it feasible to write an autobiography that would be of any interest to anyone, since I am an unknown; meaning, I am not a familiar public figure that would warrant interest. But more and more over the past year or two, the genre of memoir has teased my muse. Perhaps it is time I take it to heart.

I would first write of my intriguing 3-month hitchhiking trip from Minnesota through the Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec provinces of Canada to Bangor Maine and then westward home through the States.

Next would be going back in time a few more years to my spur of the moment decision to travel with a new friend to Chicago, ending up stranded in Madison Wisconsin, living in a near-penthouse apartment, and becoming part of a major drug ring including behind the scenes of the largest rock festival following Woodstock.

Naturally, I could not resist telling of my notable childhood memories and sibling stories, of my beloved daughter and 2 divorces (before I finally got it right), and how this laid the groundwork for who I've become.

But one more story must be told...the one I call Another Perspective. It's the one where I delve into my changing relationship, knowledge and understanding of God throughout these various events. Yes, another perspective indeed!

Many many people have told me again and again that I simply must get my stories in writing -- that they're all very interesting to listen to and there's so much to be learned. I don't know about all that.

What I do know is this: I've pushed to have an adventurous life without regrets, and I love to write. I've also met a lot of people who always seem surprised at all I've done and everywhere I've been. And somehow, that just seems like the right combination to write...
   a memoir...
               or two...or three...or even four!   
(You know, just to have...Another Perspective.)  :~)

Less I Too Become A Ruminant

With all the diverse political opinions thrown back and forth today for grazing, and all the multivarious social media chewing the cud, I concluded it wise to again review my purpose and goals for writing, less I too become a ruminant. 

As I thought more deeply about the direction I want to take, I recalled a post I had written nearly 2 years ago. I believe it good to bring it forward and recommit.


Of All The Things  (January 18, 2011)
 

The other day I received an email with the following quote:

Of all the things I've learned in life, I know that change is the strongest truth.

                                                    ~Janice Van Dyck

Briefly I considered the words, then immediately I wanted to change them. I thought: Change is perhaps the one constant in life, but it is not the strongest truth.

Carefully, I reread it and began to acknowledge that she was not talking about me. She was speaking of all the things she herself has learned in life.

But my thoughts grew louder within me: There is a simple principle - a law - the strongest most powerful law in the entire universe. It's the Law of Believing...all believing equals receiving and all receiving equals believing. It is a greater law than all the other laws of physics, because it transcends everyone of them.

I even began to wonder if others would read what she wrote and even...(gasp)... agree with her! At that point I finally realized I was being tempted, to not only pit the knowledge and understanding I've acquired in life against hers, but to do it in writing. And I didn't even know who she was!

Pausing, I asked myself: Do I really want to get into that kind of writing? Do I really want to start picking apart what others say - whether I think it's relevant or true or vital or not?

Without hesitation, I replied: No, I don't. Absolutely not! There's a place for commentary and opinion writing, but that's not where I want to go - not at all.

Logically, the next question is: Then where do you want to go, Kathy? The answer is simple. I have one purpose - one mission:  

I write with the belief to both inspire and challenge the human experience, welcoming criticism, for there is no person on earth who fails to intrigue me, and thereby touches my soul in some significant way.

It is not my intention to cast opinions that tend to judge the relevance or validity of what someone else may have thought or concluded. My desire and goal in writing would be defeated if I wrote in a framework that might tear down the very place another has reached by scaling their own mountain(s). Honestly, how welcoming would that be?

Totally unaware, Janice Van Dyck has touched my soul in a significant way. She has pushed me to reconsider my purpose and to decide whether or not my mission is still real to me - still where I choose to be. And - of all the things I've learned in life - she has inspired me to write of judgments and comparisons that we, at times unknowingly, superimpose on one another.

Although we've never met, please allow me to say, "Thank you, Janice."

 ~~~~~~~~

Okay, you caught me. Yes, I actually brought out an older post to be re-chewed...much like the cud. So, I admit it...perhaps I am part ruminant after all.     ;~)

  

Almost Up and Running...

First, I'll write of significant events in my personal life that have come about over the past couple of months...along with a few pictures, of course. Then I'll be digging into two or three deeper subjects that seem to have risen from some hidden place within. I trust it'll prove an interesting voyage for all...including me :~)

What A Day It Is...

What a day it is, turning it around in my mind. Picking up remnants in the yard from last night's storm. My sick little doggie, Ginger, taking an extra long walk this morning, then eating a scrambled egg after having refused breakfast for over a week. Facebook? Someone asking, If our nation falls, will it be because of debt or condoning homosexuality? (sigh) And, I've been thinking about posting the pics I took late yesterday afternoon of the tiny green hummingbird that visited my petunias. Made my care and storm-protection of those huge baskets well worth it :~)

Ah, yes! And I am actually contemplating the possibility of writing again...will see what develops.

I believe it really all began with my 25th wedding anniversary...

Dead Calm

Sitting in a sailboat in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight -- dead calm. That's me in the sailboat. No motor. No cell phone service. But plenty of food and water, so I'm actually handling it rather well. For now, the solitude is somewhat soothing. Although I am wearied by the passing of time, I realize that once I decide which direction I want to go...the wind will be there.

"L" is for Learning, But Not to Have Learned

A great number of years ago, I was talking with a friend who wondered what I had been up to lately. In my reply I used the phrase, "I've learned that..." My friend listened intently, but every time I said learned, he interjected the word, learning. 

This continued as we hung out together over the next few days. Finally, I began to catch myself, saying, "I've been learning that..." or "I am learning..."

Why would this be such a big deal? My friend explained to me that to learn is a continuing process because life is always changing, and that to say learned -- ed -- is past tense, as if it's a done deal, and there's nothing more to learn on the subject. Then he asked, "Is that what you want?"

 

I have kept this lesson close to my heart throughout my life, always eager to learn, looking at learning as one of the greatest adventures in life. I have seen many things, but feel I am learning even more. 

Not only are there the many faceted perspectives I've acquired from which I can view life, but I have so much more to draw on in the multi-faceted views of all the people whose lives have intrigued me. I am thankful to all those who have, in some way, touched my soul. I also must agree that, yes, learning is a continuum.

Yet herein lies a funny thing. The older I get, I marvel at how easy it has become to remark, "If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's..." Please. Tell me this isn't happening!

Once again I find myself having to stop and reword my phrasing to say instead, "If there's one thing I am learning in life..." Let me never allow myself to put a cap on my learning...until the day of my last breath, and I'm 6-foot under, pushing up those proverbial daisies :~)

"F" is for F.E.A.R. - and its Demise

Fear is a strange creature. Once upon a time, a very long time ago, I even dared to believe that it was a good motivator under certain conditions. Yes, it may indeed provoke a person into action, but it'll be short-lived. True motivation is when a person responds from the heart, and long-lasting desired results are achieved. 

Then, a not quite as long so-very-long-time ago, I was taught how to confront fear -- be it mine own or anyone else's. This, I craved. But how scary it seemed to even begin to take it on! 

Actually, it's not nearly as daunting as it first sounded to be. The seed of fear is doubt, which breeds worry, which eventually brings on the fear. It lessens the hair on the beast to break it down.

On the flip-side, the opposite of worry is trust, and the opposite of doubt is confidence. This means it's possible to derail the fear train at either of those two points. Where there is worry, simply build trust; where there is doubt, focus on whatever it takes to get rooted in total, undeniable, confidence.

And to seal the deal and stay focused, there's a nifty acronym that has always kept me from falling off the edge of panic or freezing in my tracks and just going numb. It clarifies and defines fear in such a way that it truly shrinks it down to near bite-size. Perhaps you've heard it before:

F-alse. 
E-vidence. 
A-ppearing. 
R-eal. 

I just look that not-so-hairy tiny creature right in the face in the mirror, and tell it what a big fake it is! I remind it how it wouldn't even hold up in a court of law! Then I just go about my business building the trust and instilling the confidence, until I'm good and saturated. 

Actually... it's sort of fun to get rid of that stuff :~)


~~With that all being said, I can now get ready to head out for the evening with some absolutely wonderful people for the best and most unique tasting pizza -- anywhere -- "F" is for Falbo Brothers' Pizza!  

A Guy Named Nes

Once again I was given a writing prompt on Facebook from my dear friend and published poet, Lisa Cihlar. She asked her friends to "write a poem about Wednesday" (today). Of course, I couldn't resist, so I decided on limerick style:

A Guy Named Nes - 

There once was a guy named Nes,

Who thought it his only biz,

To wed him a lay

Whose name was Day

And that's how we got Wed-Nes-Day.

As my manner is, I had to look up limericks to see if I did it right. Well, those of you who know this sort of thing probably already saw that my last line doesn't rhyme with the first two. Okay. So it's tweaked. But what I think rather interesting is that I haven't written a limerick for nearly 50 years, yet I somehow remembered the cadence.

The mind is a very intriguing part of our soul. Trivia - like a limerick's cadence - can surprisingly appear, when much more important matters seem to elude us. At times we're able to push for answers to what seems to be the most difficult of problems, while the simplest of issues remains without understanding. 

With our powerful thinker we can choose to stir up trouble or resolve differences, feel defeat or scale mountains, zone out or imagineer, remember our hurts or forgive and forget. And it is with the innermost part of that same mind - the heart - that we decide to care and to give and to love. Yes. What a very intriguing part of our soul the mind is! 

A Guy Named Nes

There once was a gal named Day,

Who wanted a really good lay,

To wed was the best

A guy named Nes --

And that's how we got Wed-Nes-Day!

(There...it's done...but I still think the first one's better :~) LOL)

(Wedding pictures courtesy of www.weddingcollectibles.com)

Make Your Day

Today is simply one of those days when reading from The Book of Psalms early this morning did my soul good, like Psalm 103, and remembering not to give up - ever - is a good decision.

You Mustn't Quit
                            ~ Author Unknown 

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest! if you must--but never quit.

Life is queer, with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won if he'd stuck it out;
Stick to your task, though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with one more blow.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt--
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that YOU MUSTN'T QUIT.

Make your day - as I will mine - one of success :~)

What Am I Made Of?

At times I need to stop long enough to simply remind myself of what I'm made of. No stories or anecdotes. No poignant universal truths. Just a glimpse at the chewy caramel center of who I believe I am - (also posted on my Facebook, About You):

There is no person on earth who fails to intrigue me, and thereby touches my soul in some significant way :~) [Each person holds many gems - I like collecting gems.]

When I'm asked: Why do you do the things that you do? Then I reply: Through the years I have learned that my friends don't need an explanation, and the rest wouldn't understand even if I gave them one! [And, I afford my friends the same privilege - no hypocrisy.]

Quite often people seem to take me way too seriously... probably because I often speak with a lot of conviction and passion. Actually, I'm much more like a young willow: I bend and don't easily break... and when a storm blows in, I'm still standing after the dust settles. [Humor always helps - on both sides.]

The results of an IQ test I once took called me a Visionary Philosopher. I would tend to agree. I believe in living with no regrets and always seeing the bigger picture... the one that involves eternal verities. This keeps my life simple and makes it possible for me to love others. [I crave and easily follow anyone's vision when it contributes to individuals becoming a vital part of the bigger picture that all of eternity holds.]

Do you know what you're made of? Have you put it in writing? Please, take the time to read it aloud to yourself... just every once in awhile :~)

Without

I now live life
Without
So many things:
Without
Unhappiness
Without
Great heaviness
Without
Hate's cold embrace
Without
Indifference
Without
Prejudice, and
Without
Those small regrets.

 (Written from Lisa Cihlar's prompt "small regrets or small egrets - your choice.")

Of All the Things

The other day I received an email with the following quote:

                    Of all the things I've learned in life, I know that change is 

                    the strongest truth.

                                                    ~Janice Van Dyck 

Briefly I considered the words, then immediately I wanted to change them. I thought: Change is perhaps the one constant in life, but it is not the strongest truth.

Carefully, I reread it and began to acknowledge that she was not talking about me. She was speaking of all the things she herself has learned in life.

But my thoughts grew louder within me: There is a simple principle - a law - the strongest most powerful law in the entire universe. It's the Law of Believing...all believing equals receiving and all receiving equals believing. It is a greater law than all the other laws of physics, because it transcends everyone of them.

I even began to wonder if others would read what she wrote and even...(gasp)... agree with her! At that point I finally realized I was being tempted, to not only pit the knowledge and understanding I've acquired in life against hers, but to do it in writing. And I didn't even know who she was!

Pausing, I asked myself: Do I really want to get into that kind of writing? Do I really want to start picking apart what others say - whether I think it's relevant or true or vital or not?

Without hesitation, I replied: No, I don't. Absolutely not! There's a place for commentary and opinion writing, but that's not where I want to go - not at all.

Logically, the next question is: Then where do you want to go, Kathy? The answer is simple. I have one purpose - one mission:  

I write with the belief to both inspire and challenge the human experience, welcoming criticism, for there is no person on earth who fails to intrigue me, and thereby touches my soul in some significant way.

It is not my intention to cast opinions that tend to judge the relevance or validity of what someone else may have thought or concluded. My desire and goal in writing would be defeated if I wrote in a framework that might tear down the very place another has reached by scaling their own mountain(s). Honestly, how welcoming would that be?

Totally unaware, Janice Van Dyck has touched my soul in a significant way. She has pushed me to reconsider my purpose and to decide whether or not my mission is still real to me - still where I choose to be. And - of all the things I've learned in life - she has inspired me to write of judgments and comparisons that we, at times unknowingly, superimpose on one another.

Although we've never met, please allow me to say, "Thank you, Janice."

The Architect of My Soul - The Rooms

There is a type of house cleaning I would rather avoid, and then there is the kind I actually relish. The first strikes me as a mundane chore; the second, an anticipated delight.

My mother often voiced how much she hated doing housework because it would never last. She would say, "As soon as I get it all cleaned, someone has to come along and mess it up. It never ends!" I was highly influenced by her remarks, especially when they supported my childish whim towards laziness.

Later in life, I had the privilege to learn that when you've cleaned something, it has the benefit of blessing the very next person who comes along to use it. It's an admirable attitude of service that makes the task worth doing. I've also seen how keeping my house clean keeps my health stronger. Dust-free breathing seems to become more critical the older I get. Imagine that.

In spite of these rich reasons for enjoying the work, along with my deep-rooted conviction to work "heartily as to the Lord," my childhood paradigm tends to win over when it comes to housework, and it all becomes a mundane chore.

But, there is a kind of house cleaning that I am eager to take on each week, or at least monthly. I know others who prefer entering its doors only once a year, but it would become way too daunting for me to follow their steps. This house is my own soul, and the doors open wide to each of the rooms that makes me... me. Those tiny rooms that mysteriously weave together, become the very fabric of my being.

Around 500 BC, a Greek philosopher named Heraclitus, concluded that change is central to the universe. Today we hold that change is the only constant in life, that nothing and no one is ever static. This would mean that at any given point in time, I am either growing or dying. There is no space between the two. Each of us can choose which way we want to go. Personally, I think a growing plant is
                                                                     far more enjoyable than a dying one.

I recently came across this quote by American journalist and Pulitzer Prize-winning, syndicated columnist, Ellen Goodman:

We spend January 1 walking through 
our lives, room by room, drawing up a 
list of work to be done, cracks to be 
patched. Maybe this year, to balance 
the list, we ought to walk through the 
rooms of our lives... not looking for 
flaws, but for potential.

This is the style of house cleaning that, for me, is an anticipated delight. This is where I can imagine and redesign that fabric because I am the architect of my soul. And, who knows? Perhaps, within the process, I will even discover the room wherein lies the change needed to turn a mundane chore into the exciting.

The Architect of My Soul - Canvas or Drawing Board

Today I pull out the blank canvas. I need to repaint my life - again. Maybe I need to see things bigger this time; maybe I'm more than just a painter. Perhaps I should decide to be the architect - the one who plans, designs, and takes the oversight of the construction. Then I won't be having to revisit this subject - again. That's gotta be the answer.  I'll just become "The Architect of My Soul." (Of course, I say this as if I was the first one who's ever coined the phrase.)

So no blank canvas today. Instead, I'm sitting up to a blank drawing board. I'm actually more familiar with this medium anyway. I took 2 years of mechanical drafting in high school, AND, I was quite good at it I might add. But first, before I lay it all out, I must plan. That will take some serious consideration and thought and... time. Already this seems to be involving much more effort than I'm willing to put into it right now. (sigh)

Perhaps painting would be simpler after all - definitely easier. HGTV always points out how the easiest way to change where you live is: paint. The only plan needed is to decide a color scheme, and I already have one picked out.  It's relatively simple just to stick with what I know I already like.

Meanwhile, back to the drawing bo--- or, uh, I mean, ...blank canvas!  Right? So, I'm going to repaint my life. Right? Wait a minute... then what have I really changed? I'm just going to 'stick with what I know I already like" anyway. Isn't that the path I've taken before? Isn't this why I decided in the first place to pull out the blank canvas today? And, isn't it because of all these things that I concluded I actually need an architect? Yes, I believe so. And... that would be me; I'm the architect (and I'm not referring to The Matrix). I am:

The Architect of My Soul.